Ever heard of the phrase, “Honesty is the best policy”? I’m sure you would have heard this phrase in one point of your life.

As we grow up, we are all taught that we need to be honest and even before we are taught, we are actually conscious about what is right or wrong.

Today, I will be sharing with you about Honesty and the purpose isn’t to be like a naggy mum telling you that you need to be honest, but rather what honesty may means and how can we be honest in our relationships with loved ones.

What is Honesty?

Honesty may means to you as being truthful and not telling a lie. It may also mean being a person with integrity and above board.

These are just issues of morality of what we are taught and have learnt as we grow up. To me honesty means more than these.

Honesty is..

#1 Honesty is protection
Honesty in a relationship is about protecting your love relationship. It isn’t just about you anymore.

Loving girlfriends and wives out there, to be honest may means putting your beloved before you. Should you tell a lie, how much will the lies hurt him? How much will that hurt the relationship?

Sometimes we even withhold certain information for fear that if we tell the truth, the truth hurts. However, the irony is, being dishonest hurts more too.

Therefore, honesty is protecting your loved ones and also yourself from being hurt even more.

#2 Honesty is love
If you really love him, you would want to be honest with him. Wouldn’t you want him to be honest with you too?

Therefore, this is a vice versa longing. It is love. Love will allow you to be honest with one another instead of being forced to be honest when you do not want to.

#3 Honesty is sharing your vulnerabilities
Many times, this is the hardest. Because it is so close to our hearts, we are not able to be honest about. We fear that if our beloved hears it, they may not like us for who we are or maybe use it to their gain.

Loving girlfriend and wives out there, you are not alone. Do you know that you are not the only one feeling this way? In fact, your boyfriend or husbands feels this way too.

Let this love relationship you both have grow to another level. Without sharing your vulnerabilities, you will not be able to walk or support each other.

Can you imagine a love relationship you have is just full of happy memories and just fun and play? What makes it so different from doing it with your other friends then?

Yes, I know Honesty means these… so what’s next?

I never say that honesty is easy. It is never easy. You may even find yourself in the cycle of wanting to be honest yet can’t do that.

Do not take it all on yourselves, stop being hard on yourself. The first step to being honest is to talk about it.

#1 Tell your beloved about it.
If it is tough for you to be honest, tell your beloved about it. You can start by saying “Dear, I love you. I want to be honest in our relationship but when it comes to my vulnerabilities I can’t seem to be able to do so, can we do these together?”

By saying this, you have just taken the first step of honesty. Did you realised that you are honest about how you feel and you have just expressed your willingness to be honest and not you don’t want to. =)

Discuss with your beloved what are some possibilities or ways that you could help to remind each other to be honest.

#2 Discuss possibilities/ solutions with your beloved
Discuss possibilities or solution on how you can both support and encourage each other to be honest.

Discuss possibilities of how you can remind each other in this journey that you are in.

An example could be:
One of you senses that there seem to be something that the other is not honest about. As per agreed, the person will remind the other. Remember! Please be gentle with each other. Do not scold the other party for being dishonest.

Be objective and remind gently. Both of you might have agreed beforehand, what would be some preferred ways of reminders. So allow your beloved to remind you and do not be angry when he/she does that.

#3 Seek the One
I’m not sure if you believe. But for me, this had been really encouraging. I share with the One whom I trust as my God.

I find myself going through the cycle of wanting to be honest yet finding it very tough to do so. My beloved then was also caught in the cycle of it. As much as he tries to assure me we are still stuck in the same cycle.

Therefore, the only possibility that is available is to look to the One. Since I trust Him as being the One, wouldn’t He be able to help me? Wouldn’t he be able to show me what I believe wrongly in order to start believing right?

This was most helpful for me. As I look to Him and tell Him how I feel, I feel encouraged and strangely there is this power within me that helps me to be able to voice out what I had wanted to share.

Of course, it doesn’t mean that I am now at a place where I can be fully honest, but I trust that He will help me. =)

Conclusion

Just as the phrase “Honesty is the best policy”, honesty isn’t just the best policy, and it protects you from further heartaches. It prepares you for the future with your beloved.

I wish you all the best in this journey that you are walking together.

Do share with me your thoughts about my post =)

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3. Relationship advice and Dating tips: Cultivating your boyfriend or girlfriend’s presence

Given this scenario:

You are feeling down and feel rather lonely and tell your boyfriends or husbands about how you feel. Instead of comforting you, he does not attend to your feeling. When asked why he doesn’t do so, his reply is “I’m not in the position to do so now, and I choose not to. I’m in a bad mood”.

What will your reaction be when you hear these?

How would you feel?

If it was me, I think I may hear my heart falling into pieces. I will feel hurt and wonder why is he ignoring me? I may even feel rejected, as if he doesn’t love me anymore. All the other negative thoughts may fill my emotions too.

What about you? Would you feel the same?

Tips on what can you do in times like these

Stop! Do not let your emotions run over you. Separate the actions from his love for you. They are 2 separate entities.

#1 Appreciate his honesty

Yes, your boyfriend or husband is in a bad mood. Appreciate that he is honest to tell you that he is in a bad mood and he finds that he is not in the position to comfort you at this point of time.

#2 Give him time and space

Men and women are really different in general. When we are in a bad mood, we will tend to want to share and talk it out with someone we trust. However, men work different. When they are in bad mood, what it means to you is, “I’m going into my ‘cave’, give me time. When I’m ready I will come out of it and talk to you”

So instead of trying to push him to tell you more, I guess the best way is to give him time and space.

#3 Separate the actions from his love for you

I reiterate, men and women are different. We think very differently. Wanting to be by himself for awhile does not means that he is rejecting you or he does not love you anymore. So do separate the action of him telling you that he is not in a position to comfort you at this moment, from his love for you.

#4 Speak to a close trusted friend

Speak to a close trusted friend about it when you are feeling rejected and lousy at the point of time when your partner is reacting this way.

Your friend may be able to stand by you and listen to you. She might even be able to provide some objectivity to you in times like such when you are full of emotions and lose your objectivity.

Conclusion

I know loving girlfriends and wives out there. These are often easier said then done.

Remember you are not alone.

After the entire episode, do speak to your boyfriend or husband about how you felt when that happened. Do come to a common ground of how both of you could work out a solution when this thing happen again.

Ultimately, you are working it out together for the better of the relationship for both of you and not who wins or lose.

How do you deal with such situation? Do share with us your thoughts.

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Instead of talking about the bigger perspective of dating relationships for now, I would like to talk a little about break-ups. No matter how many advices you have and the amount of crazy stuff you have done to lessen the pain, this is still probably the most difficult thing to accept when you are at the wrong end of a breakup.

So let us discuss here on some of the things about a breakup.

Some Heartache Symptoms That I Personally Indulge Myself In

I do not really know how to call it. Heartache symptoms? Coping mechanisms? Just some of the things we would normally do consciously or unconsciously when we suffer from a broken heart.

I just realized that as a guy, I am pretty sentimental. That means that when I face a heartache with a loved one or a breakup, I would actually be hearing love or sentimental songs that would cause tears to well up in my eyes.

This is a sentimental music that I would sometimes hear:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ClB2ljxZoM

Many of us have this inclination to drown ourselves in our emotional feelings with love and sentimental songs, which makes us a little comfortable but yet a little more painful in our feelings. Perhaps we just want to savor the sweet moments in our past relationship, and yet on the other hand it breaks our hearts even more.

Some people will seek to soothe their hearts by doing physically exercise, others by studying frantically, and the wild will go partying all night long. I myself may play lots of computer games just to forget the pain.

However all these are just some form or fashion to make ourselves feel a little better, but whether we really move on from our broken hearts is a big question mark. And these feelings are at its worst when we are alone, when our we have nothing to do because we cannot help but keep thinking about the pain.

Here are some tips to know when you are suffering from a broken heart:

1. It is good to cry.

People think that to be strong means we must not shed tears and to suppress your feelings, but I always feel that this is the worst form of weakness of all. That is because we as humans are all weak at some point of time and there is nothing to be ashamed in that.

By trying not to show your weaknesses to others by suppressing your feelings or not crying, you have just earned yourself the biggest ‘wimp’ title in my opinion because you think you are strong by appearing strong. The ones who really are strong are those who are honest about their vulnerabilities and weaknesses without having to put a strong front in front of other people. Come on, we all are weak at some point of time, what is there to hide?

Tears do have a healing effect. It sometimes have a lifting up effect in our hearts after we cry and it causes our minds to be a little clearer in our situation. Also, it helps us face our situation and not run away from them by indulging ourselves in activities.

There are people who just cry easily even if something small happens to them, and I am not talking about ‘crybabies’ who will flood the place with their tears. I am saying that our tears allow us to be honest with ourselves in our weaknesses, and it will help us to move on in the long run.

2. A good friend is a good gift from heaven.

Spending some time away with a good friend is good, because they can share your emotional burdens with you. If you realized, no matter how many advices and tips you can read or hear from other people, your feelings of negativity still stays.

However when you are around with a good friend, we normally feel better automatically, because we feel that at least we are accepted by this friend in the midst of all the negativity. That friend need not be there just to give advices or tips; you just need his or her presence to know that there are people who still care about you.

3. If possible, stop the very activity that you are obsessed in to make yourself feel better for just a moment.

Some of these activities seem truly harmless. Like studying frantically, or reading books frantically, they are ‘good’ activities that parents or other people will seem to think.

However your broken heart is still broken, and when you do well in your studies or your ‘harmless’ activities, many times you appear well and good in front of others, but your heart is still miserable and suffering. There are people who score well in their studies after a major heartache, because they poured out all their stress into their studies. Yet for years they couldn’t get into a relationship because they have not dealt with their broken hearts and they cannot bring themselves to trust in a love relationship once again.

Others also indulge in activities that harm the body, like drinking and partying all night to forget the sorrows.

If you do happen to know that you are indulging yourselves in these activities to escape your situation, do stop yourself or consult a good friend to help you out if you can.

4. Try not to take things personally in your break-up.

The blame game on others or even yourself does not help you to move on in life for the long run. Self-pity or harboring bitterness in your heart against another person does not help you to be happy and have a satisfying life.

Of course, if the breakup happened because your partner or you have been unfaithful, untrustworthy or whatsoever that either your partner or you cannot stand, it is a time of learning and correction. However blaming yourself or others still does not help you at all to have the satisfaction of life.

Everything has a timing and season to it. In this lesson of life, we need to learn to be timely in our situations and relationships so that things that matter to us will truly last for eternity. Let us hope for the future instead, and know that these seemingly bad situations can only happen to us now but not forever.

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3. Relationship advice – Parental objection and your love relationship – Part 1

Today, I am going to continue from my previous post on “Parental objection and your love relationship – Part 1“, on how you can deal with your parents in a practical way so that your parents may gradually come to accept your love relationship with your partner if they have any issues with it.

Parents are not very direct in their objection to your love relationship even if they do object to it.

Usually they tell you that they are not against your relationship, but give hints with lots of advice and try other sorts of means to limit contact with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

You will feel it, sense it, and sometimes feel suffocated about their subtle approach. Now what really makes parents become obvious in their intentions is when you rebut their words and they respond back with angry feelings.

Next, you become angry, give them reasons to support your stand, and then your parents do the same thing also. It will be a big fight, and from then on your parents and you will have frequent wars.

This is a typical situation that happens to people who have parents that are objecting in their love relationship. Parents will be upset that you do not see their good intentions and view; you will not be happy that your parents are not supportive and giving the freedom you want.

What is the point of trying to convince someone with just plain reasons?

Ever seen an insurance agent trying to give you a thousand reasons on why you should take a look at his insurance polices? Do you ever buy an insurance policy because you are just solely convinced with his logic and reasonings?

For myself, I never did, because I know that he may be giving me reasons to buy these insurance policies for his benefit and not mine.

Similarly, you are not giving reasons for your parents’ benefit, but just to support your own stand for your love relationship. Your parents can see that, and are doing about the same to you too for their own intentions.

How you should approach parents if they are closing down on you with reasons or forcing their stand on you…

1. Try not to convince your parents with mere logic and reasonings.

Doing otherwise will only make the arguments more intense and it will spoil your chance of convincing them even more. No matter how unreasonable and wrong they seem to be, if their hearts are closed, it does not matter how right you are in your reasonings.

2. If you need to make a stand, do it silently and not try to force your stand upon them.

It means that you are just silent, show that you did indeed hear them, but you still maintain your stand respectfully.

They will still be upset no matter how silent you are, however it surely gives them less reasons to pick on your faults in the long run.

How should you start convincing your parents in the long run for your love relationship?

Your partner and you need to work together. Both of you do need to know what your partner’s and your parents want as an life partner for the both of you respectively.

• Parents like people who are well-educated, have financial stability and a great future ahead.

It is not about the amount of lovey dovey feelings that your partner and you both share for each other that will convince your parents to acknowledge your love relationship; like I said when parents are down-to-earth, they want to know whether you have the ability currently to take care of their child if he or she is placed in your hands.

Therefore if you are a teenager, and you are dating some guy or girl that do not seem to be responsible in your parents’ eye in terms of studies and academics, it is time for both of you to pull up your socks. And if both of you are adults and yet your partner or you have not secured a job or a career, you need to start.

If you are not assuring your partner’s or your own parents’ now that you are responsible and that you have financial stability and education now, they will not be convinced of what you say about the future and the present.

Especially if the issues that you feel your partner’s parents are against you for are about religion and race; in order for your words to be even heard, you need to know to convince them in the area of financial stability and success first.

And it surely raises the chances of your or your partner’s parents to acknowledge the both of you in your relationship, no matter how bias they are against you in race and religion.

Think about it; if you own oil rigs, even if you are of a different race and religion, most parents are still bound to respect you.

• The bad mannerisms that either your partner and you are showing must go.

If you are smoking, or your words are full of vulgarities and profanities, please minimize them and even stop them if you can. If both of you are always scantily clad, dress appropriately instead.

Just place yourself in your parents’ shoes; would you want your children next time to mix around with people who have mannerisms like you now?

• In your love relationship, take care of each other, and let both your and your partner’s parents know about it.

Parents can perceive if your partner and you are appropriate for each other. Even if you are financially stable, or even rich, if you are not taking care of each other in practical ways such as providing the needs and wants for each other, parents would not care less about what you have in the bank.

That is because even if you are rich financially, if you have a stingy attitude or a small heart for others, parents will know that you will not be able to take care of your partner at the end of the day.

Parents must be convinced through gentleness and example instead of mere words only.

As I have shared before in the email, no sane parent will want their child to live on this life lonely and never marry. Neither any sane parent will ever deny their child to have a great life partner in life.

However noone is going to be convinced by mere words. You will need to lead by gentleness and example, showing that you do hear your parents’ words, but that you are able to prove that this love relationship is worth it.

Then will your parents’ hearts be soften, and gradually come into acceptance of your love relationship after the test of time.

Have you read part 1 of this blog series on parental objection in your love relationship?

What are the other issues in your love relationship that parents need convincing of?

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Related posts:

1. Relationship advice – Parental objection and your love relationship – Part 1
2. Relationship Advice: The Bigger Perspective Of Love Relationships
3. Relationship and love advice: What is the ideal love relationship that you would like to have?

What I am going to share with you in this series is about how to deal with your parents if your parents are objecting to the love relationship you are having. This may affect anyone, be it young or old, and whether we like it or not, parents have a natural authority over us that we cannot just override at our fancy.

Truth be told, somehow in many relationship advice forums on the Internet, I have seen really few advices about parents objecting to love relationship. I guess the common response is just to endure through it all, suffer many tears and heartaches with your parents and sour everything in the family.

Some succeed but the relationship between their families are broken; others fail and their love relationship falls apart. Is there any way to find a place where parents will accept your love relationship and be happy about it?

Why will parents object to your love relationship?

Before we begin trying to talk about how to handle parents in a love relationship, we need to discuss on why will your parents be objecting to your love relationship first? Sometimes we do not get it; we just think that they are unnaturally prejudiced against your partner or vice versa from your parents’ partner, or that many parents are being just unreasonable.

However, let me first say that no sane parents out there would want to deny their child to have a happy love relationship. So let me share with you what are some of the common reasons on why they can be against your love relationship.

Religion

Religion is a sensitive issue for many people. We know that many of us may even live or die for religion.

Usually, the reason why religion is such a taboo subject to discuss even amongst friends is because for some of us, religion defines our identity. Especially for the older folks, the Chinese typically believe that their root religion is Buddhism, and it is stereotyped that Westerners have Christianity as their main religion.

So if you happen to be dating someone who has not the same religious beliefs that your parents have, or if your religious beliefs are not the same as your partner’s parents’ beliefs, they will think it is a breach in their customs and to what they stand for. Some parents may even feel threatened because they think their son or daughter may convert into another religion for the sake of their love relationship.

That is the reason why some parents can be against your partner or you. I will not be going into details about different religions or it will be a very long post; it will be either shared briefly in my email subscription or for future posts.

Racial differences

Parents may agree to racial harmony and against racial discrimination verbally, however racial differences form a stumbling block within the mind and the heart. Somehow many people are just generally not comfortable with racial differences and may even reason in themselves, “Why choose a partner of a different race when you there are so many other candidates of your own race out there?”

Religion and racial differences are some of the most difficult challenges that you may face, because it is almost impossible to change your parents’ mindset and belief system about these things. You should not try to convince them too, because it usually becomes a disastrous argument where two parties are just trying to force their mindset on one another.

Your background and financial stability

You parents can be against your partner, or your partner’s parents can be against you if you come from a humble or a complicated background, and especially if you are not financially secure or independent currrently. Your background and your current career are very important because that is how parents will give an estimation of your worth in their eyes.

That is why we usually say that many parents are very “down-to-earth”. They do not care first on how much feelings you have for their daughter or son; they only bother if you are financially capable to provide for their daughter or be a help to their son, with at least a decent reputation in your background and job in both cases.

The reason is very simple; if you do not have the financial means to care for their daughter or son, it does not matter how much love you have because it will all be empty talk. So if you ever meet parents, never try to convince them on how much feelings you have, for it should be proven with actions and not words.

Bad impressions

Parents take note of bad impressions very strongly. They usually judge with what they can see and hear of your partner and vice versa for your partner’s parents of you.

Especially if your partner or you smoke, or behave inappropriately like making rude comments and slight vulgarities, or if any of you do not dress decently in your eyes, parents do take note of them seriously and if they feel you are inappropriate, these bad impressions are going to stick in them for a long while.

You can feel it when your parents are against your partner, or your partner’s parents are against you.

Therefore, it is better to find out quietly why are your parents or your partner’s parents are against your love relationship. Usually you will not be able to hear it directly from them; you will need to feel with your feelings and find out intuitively on what they are against your love relationship.

And if you know it, it will be much easier for you to seek a solution for your situation. I have said many times, never try to change parents’ mindset by just talking about it. Everyone will be justifying their stand with reasons, and you will get arguments instead.

In the future posts, I will be sharing more on how you can deal with parental objection in your love relationship.

If you know someone who is going through some parental objection in your love relationship, let them know about this post and blog to help them. And if you find my posts helpful, I will be also sharing a little more on my email subscription so do join at the right side of blog.

This is a post series on parental objection in love relationships, so do proceed to:
Parental objection and your love relationship – Part 2

What are the other reason that your partner’s parents or your parents may have against your love relationship?

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Related posts:

1. Relationship advice – Parental objection and your love relationship – Part 2
2. Relationship Advice: The Bigger Perspective Of Love Relationships
3. Relationship and love advice: What is the ideal love relationship that you would like to have?

Somehow we tend to isolate ourselves from the world and reality when we get into a love relationship. Our emotions and feelings get the better of us in our decisions, and hence we do not really truly see what are the essential things that is needed is a love relationship to hold everything together.

I will be sharing mostly from my personal experiences and the experiences of what others have told me as well.

Relationship Advice: The Bigger Perspective Of Love Relationships

The above is a simple graphical representation of what a love relationship is dependant on. There are other elements involved, but they usually fall under the bigger catagories that are listed above.

I will explain to you why some of these stuff is important in a love relationship; the “love for each other” portion is rather self-explanatory for now, so the rest will be discussed instead.

Parents and the Family Factor

We often do not realize or forget that parents and our families play a very important role in our love relationship. Usually a guy and a girl falls in love with each other, and sometimes the parents of the girl do not like like the guy, or vice versa for the guy’s parents towards the girl as well.

We usually do not realize it, but without our family’s support, it adds stress and tension especially when we want our relationship to progress in commitment and seriousness. This especially happens to teens because parents usually think that they are too young or immature to be serious, or for the older folks there are other various reasons.

What happens next if you are in this situation? Usually you will quarrel with your parents about the relationship, giving them a thousand and one reasons why they should respect your partner, love relationship and your choice, while they give a thousand reasons back why you should not be steady with your partner.

Then your parents start to restrict your movements, and you have no choice but to date in secret. Every action you take becomes monitored and accessed by your parents, and you feel upset with your parents, relying solely on the comfort of your partner for approval.

It is a war of the willpower to see who will give in. However, because it adds stress and tension to your love relationship, only two things can happen; either your love relationship continues to progress further in commitment, or for most cases your relationship suffers from the stress and tension instead.

Tears will definitely flow in the process, and you wonder why should love be this difficult. Suddenly you realize that a love relationship do involve parents and your family as well.

And this situation does not last only when you are dating; even if you are married, your parents-in-law need to accept you, and your own parents should accept your partner as your love.

Hence knowing how to deal with the issue of getting acceptance from parents is really important and should never be neglected in a love relationship.

Read:

Parental objection and your love relationship – Part 1

Parental objection and your love relationship – Part 2

Money issues within a love relationship

In many occasions, we usually fall in love because of the attractive physical traits or the outward skills of a person, but we rarely find out about whether a person is faithful with money.

Money is always dear to our hearts, as it is one of the basic requirement of what we need for survival and life. However, when we are in love, a person’s faithfulness with money seems to be ignored and buried under an ocean of feelings; it is seldom regarded.

There are many variants of how a person can be unfaithful with money. However I am just going to be listing the common ones out.

There are too many real life stories out there that a guy is leeching money out of a girl in their love relationship, and vice versa as well. Somehow the couple will quarrel, and in many cases, the leech wins at the end.

Or another situation is when the guy or the girl in a relationship is not financially secure, and may not even have a job. This adds to serious commitment issues, because how are you going to support a family or a serious relationship if you are going to live together as a couple when basic necessities need to be met at least?

When a person is unfaithful with money, it causes instability within the love relationship, as one party with the love relationship will have to work harder to produce enough resources to meet the needs and wants of two people. It feels unfair, and a lack of true love.

No parent is going to like anyone who is financially unstable or someone who is not holding a decent job.

Acceptance from friends

This is the least importance of what has been mentioned, because when some of us are in love, we do not usually care about what our friends may think towards our relationship.

However, we must understand that our partner isn’t going to be the only person whom we should interact with solely; we need friends for support and love as well.

What if your partner disappoints you in your love relationship? If you are going to isolated yourself from your friends, you will feel very empty and lonely indeed, with noone else to turn to except your family. Our friends play a vital role in our relationship.

Also, friends can help you to realize blind spots of your partner and give a better estimation of where you are at in your love relationship. You need not follow every of your friends’ opinion, as they can be wrong, but it sometimes work better than your insights as our infatuated feelings can prove us wrong.

What I have been sharing is important; don’t learn it too late!

I always felt that we do not need to go through a heartache to learn these lessons.

I will be sharing more in-depth within my email subscription and in future posts about how you can deal with these situations in your love relationships.

What are the other things that you feel is important in a love relationship?

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Related posts:

1. Relationship advice – Parental objection and your love relationship – Part 1
2. Relationship advice – Parental objection and your love relationship – Part 2
3. Relationship and love advice: What is the ideal love relationship that you would like to have?

By Toshi Maeda

TOKYO – In search of Mr. or Mrs. Right, dozens of Japanese are attending a newly launched school in Tokyo that aims to turn them into marriage material.

The Infini school offers various classes for wannabe brides and grooms at a time when many people in Japan are either shunning the institution of marriage or are finding it very difficult to hook up with a partner.

The school, which is open to men and women, teaches students how to talk, walk and present themselves elegantly in a bid to capture the hearts and minds of prospective partners and their parents, who are often a major obstacle to successful unions.

Infini, which opened last month, now has about 30 female students. An almost equal number of males has signed up, but those who actually turn up to class are much fewer than their female counterparts.

“I had never even thought that my boyfriend’s mother could play such a big role in my relationship, but now I’ve realized I need to start thinking seriously about how to impress my future in-laws,” said Kozue Sugawara, 29, who joined the school after her previous marriage plans failed.

With women wielding increased economic clout and changing social attitudes toward marriage, more Japanese in their 20s and 30s are single than ever before.

Government statistics show nearly two-thirds of women under the age of 34 are unmarried, despite some 3,800 firms in Japan offering match-making services.

The average age of the school’s female students is 30 years.

“Before, people would find it easy to get married because families and society would connect them in some way, sometimes pushing them to get married. But nowadays, people have too many choices and cannot seem to make up their minds,” said Etsuko Satake, principal of the Infini marriage prep school.

Instructors provide critiques about students’ dress, posture and even details such as how they cross their legs or get out of a car. Men and women are taught different skills, which range from how to set a table well to how to be more emotionally expressive.

Students also simulate dates, during which their instructors grade their performance and point out what they did wrong.

The school charges an annual fee of 200,000 yen for unlimited access to its classes.

And some students, such as 32-year-old Mei Oda, seem to think it’s an investment worth making.

“I’m looking for a man who makes more than 10 million yen a year, doesn’t ask me to live with his parents and takes good care of me,” said Oda, a contract office worker.

Experts say that with Japan’s economy plunged deep into recession, many women are taking a renewed interest in marriage and the economic stability it could provide, and are actively seeking a partner through “konkatsu” or spouse-hunting activities.”

The above article is taken from 15 March 2010, from:
http://sg.news.yahoo.com/rtrs/20100312/tod-odd-us-japan-spouse-school-a929486.html

My thoughts about this article…

This is what many people do not truly realize, that parents, family and friends matter in a love relationship. I have highlighted this in “55 Things I wished I knew about guys, girls and relationships then“.

So many people think that love relationship is about all the “two of us”, and that love can conquer all obstacles, even if there are parents and friends objections.

I do personally believe that love can conquer all obstacles, but we need to be realistic about this view, instead of just getting the idea from television and movies.

That is because for many of us, no matter how we think that parents are not in the equation of a love relationship, we still do want our parents to be present at our wedding day and be supportive.

I have personal experiences, and have heard other people’s experiences concerning having to deal with parents in the midst of our love relationship, and I do admit that it is not easy.

So if you are dating with someone now, do understand the reality of your own and your partner’s parents. It will help you in the long run, and in this blog I will help you as much as I can.

And you do not need to pay me 200,000 yen a year, which is equivalent to USD$2207.42 in today’s rate, to get help for relationship advice and dating tips. Just visit my blog, post me some questions at my question and answer post, and I will be happy to answer there as much as I can.

News for this blog…

I will be posting up about parents in a love relationship in future, but I am still considering other stuff to post up too. If you want me to hurry in that parents’ aspect, do sound me off in the comments page.

In the coming post, I will discuss about scrapbooking as a gift to your boyfriend(or friends for the matter), and other related information about it. If you are looking to learn about scrapbooking, I will try to provide some additional information as well.

However, I am currently in the midst of my exams, and therefore I have not come up with the post immediately. Give me some time to clear off my responsibility.

Also, this blog is going to go through a new look! I have complains from my well-meaning friends that my blog is definitely difficult to navigate through, and I do agree. I am going to buy a template and revamp the look here.

Let me know how I can improve this blog, and I am happy to hear your comments. What do you really want to benefit from this blog?

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1. News and Relationship advice: Couples Who Say ‘We’ Do Better at Resolving Conflicts
2. Relationship advice – Parental objection and your love relationship – Part 1
3. Relationship advice – Parental objection and your love relationship – Part 2

The truth is, anybody who asks that question doesn’t understand anything about relationships; you aren’t just going to be getting a partner by using pickup lines, dressing up in the best way that you can and try to appear attractive.

When I was younger, I received such advices before, and it proves to be more of a crap than helpful.

I am sharing this today for one of my friends, who is going after a lady’s heart. And for those who are in the same situation of pursuing someone’s heart, be it a guy or a girl, this is definitely for you.

“How to get a boyfriend/girlfriend?” is a silly question.

You cannot “get” a boyfriend or girlfriend by taking certain steps or procedures. Humans are not robots.

I have seen guys who tried using pickup lines, and asked a lady for her contacts. Immediately he was rejected. It doesn’t matter what kind of pickup lines, gifts or methods he used; it is doomed to failure.

Why? That is because girls and ladies just don’t give their contacts to creeps. If you do not know them in the first place, you got to have them trust and establish a good impression of you first, lest they risk themselves to an unknown stranger.

Similarly, some girls can be rather direct towards guys too, and in some cases they scare the guys.

Pickup lines, gifts and methods just do not work. Instead, understand what truly attracts you to a girl or a guy, and you will understand that unless you adopt some traits, mannerisms or attributes, you won’t be able to pursue someone’s heart easily.

Top most important tip: Be a person of ‘value’

We are all attracted to someone that has a great sense of value or worth. What does that mean?

Some people just have the looks to attract the opposite gender. And when guys or girls see them, they immediately feel that this person has a certain sense of ‘value’ in them, and will treat them better than other people.

Similarly, confident or people with charisma always emit an aura of ‘worth’ and ‘value’, that impresses us to feel differently amongst the rest. They literally influence us to act differently towards them to, where we will show greater respect or politeness than someone else.

You have to learn to be a person of value to other people, or at least appear as one, instead of focusing on ineffective methods and steps in attracting the opposite gender.

Find out within yourself what are the traits that make you a person of ‘value’. It doesn’t necessary have to be skin deep.

What are the common traits of people who has ‘value’?
1. People who have great looks.

2. People who have a flair in talking.

3. People who appear to be interesting, and have experiencesin many things.

4. People who are humorous.

5. People who are confident.

There are some myths about confidence which you can learn.

6. People who are not men-pleasers; they have a stand of their own and have their unique set of thinking.

However they are not weird and out-of-this-world.

7. People who have a vision in life and are actively pursuing their vision. They are not all talk only.

8. A kind and a pleasant personality also attracts.

9. People who are financially independent, and have the substance to progress further.

10. People who are adventurous, outing and sporty; they are not introverted.

11. People who have a set of great abilities and skills; like playing the guitar or sing well.

12. People who are romantic.

13. People who are presentable in their appearance, and bother to do some personal grooming.

All these traits are not ranked according to numbers; they are completely random, and may differ with different people’s true likings.

However these traits are not exactly far off. We must understand that what attracts us to others, should be similar with what others are to be attracted to us about.

Some tips to appear like a person of ‘value’…

1. You must never appear desperate for love before your crush.

You need to have the capacity to let go, to face the prospect of being rejected and not appreciated at all.

Those who do not have this mentality usually have a very rare chance of succeeding.

2. Never ask for your crush’s contacts if you have not established a good impression and trust in the first place.

That is because even if you have your crush’s contacts, your crush can easily ignore your messages and phone calls; or just ignore you completely if he or she dislikes you.

So what’s the point of getting your crush’s contacts if it is going to end this way? It would have been better if you leave room for more opportunities to impress, rather than letting your crush dislike you forever.

3. Only ask for personal contacts from your crush in a suitable situation or setting.

You do not want to scare the other party by approaching him or her drastically.

Look for ways to exchange contacts in a casual way. Supposed you need to go to a certain event together, and you have asked to arrange a meetup first before attending the event. There and then you should ask for your crush’s contacts, and it will not appear threatening to him or her.

There are many situations where you can ask for contacts casually. Just never ask directly because it may be a little threatening or it may expose your intentions too soon for your good.

4. Even if you have your crush’s contacts, don’t harrass him or her by trying to contact with every slightest point of opportunity.

Otherwise, you will be labelled as a creep and a stalker, and prepare for the cold shoulder from your crush in the upcoming days.

Everything should always be casual, and in a non-threatening manner, to ensure that your build your impression in your crush subtlely.

5. You can learn to be confident and sure. If not, just appear confident, but don’t let anyone find out…

However, it takes time to develop confidence, and the strength to face the risk of failures.

Yet it is one of the best ways to appear like a person of ‘value’.

6. Never try too hard to impress your crush.

This comes in many shapes and forms.

Some people buy expensive gifts to their crush, not knowing that instead of making the other party feel happy, they feel pressure and obligation instead.

Others just talk too much to impress.

Don’t try too hard, it will backfire and you will get a bad impression instead of a good one instead.

7. However, just be around your crush and engage him or her subtlely in your conversations and activities.

There are alot of ways to engage your crush.

You can be a little teasing and not be overboard. Or you can always ask questions and find out more about the other party. Give your views if needed, but always be more willing to hear than to speak with your crush.

If you appear too shy towards your crush, it may be mistakenly interpreted as a lack of confidence towards people.

8. Expand your horizons in your experiences and thoughts.

A hermit living in his or her own world is very unlikely to find love.

Go out, make friends, join activities and have fun! Along the way, you will gain experience, and accumulate thoughts.

Therefore if you are able to relate to others your experiences and thoughts, you will appear interesting instead of boring.

9. Learn a new skill and adopt a hobby which you enjoy.

People who are skillful in their area of interest usually look attractive. How many times are we mesmerized by someone playing the guitar well? Or someone performing magic or card tricks to us?

However, my word of advice is to never take up a skill in order to impress the opposite gender and to get a partner. If your source of motivation is only that partner, you will burn out easily.

Rather, find something which you enjoy where you can pick up and learn.

10. Be ready to give your opinion and views, but do not be overbearing.

People can sense confidence in your opinions and views, so it is great to be an input in conversations.

However, don’t be stubborn in your opinions; give others space, and your crush will notice the depth of your personality and character.

Other advices to be continued…

I have other advices and tips that I do want to share, but this is a long post and I hope to keep it focused.

I also do wish to create a series out of this, and if any of you have anything you want me to share about, do let me know through the comments page below.

So what do you think? Does pickup lines, gifts and other methods work in getting a boyfriend or girlfriend?

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1. Relationship advice and Dating tips: Cultivating your boyfriend or girlfriend’s presence
2. Dating tips and Relationship advice – The Myths of Confidence
3. Relationship Advice: Sincerity to buy love? I don’t think so…

This is a crucial question to really ask you and yourself only: what is the ideal love relationship that you would like to have?

You see, most people go by their perception and their feelings to pursue someone they like, and rightly so simply because its natural.

However, in the midst of pursuing someone we like or settling down with a partner, we don’t know what we want for ourselves in a love relationship, and we simply make lots of mistakes with our decisions because we are not guiding our perceptions and feelings to what we really want.

Supposed a girl who decides for herself to find someone who is responsible, charismatic and has a great personality. She thinks for herself that that is her kind of boyfriend that she will look out for.

And finally, she caught the heart of a guy whom she thinks has all the attributes she wants. Sad to say, the guy turns out to be someone who is intolerant and unforgiving with the girl’s weaknesses and mistakes.

Therefore, instead of having the ideal love relationship, she has a miserable time, and the relationship just do not last.

It happens to everyone, including guys, and all the time as well.

Hence for today I would like to walk you through on how you can realize for yourself the ideal love relationship you would like to have, and how it will help you to enjoy love and life.

The problem with the “trial-and-error” approach when you are looking for an ideal partner to spend the rest of your life with…

Before I begin explaining about some common approaches in love relationships, please do not comment to me that there is no such thing as an ideal love relationship, that because we are all human, there will be flaws.

I understand what you are saying, and I am not trying say that a love relationship should have absolutely no flaws.

However, what I am truly saying is that people do not use their perception and feelings well, just simply because they are ignorant of what they really want in a love relationship.

And many people are into the ‘trial-and-error’ approach.

Meaning, they hook up with a partner because they are attracted to some of the qualities that he or she has, and then find out from there whether he or she is going to be the partner for the rest of their lives.

There are multiple problems when we do that, if we fail to settle ourselves down with the person we are dating with:

1. When we break up with our partners, we give ourselves emotional scars that are hard to heal if we are not the ones who initiates the breakup.

That’s because of our commitment, devotion and effort we have put into the love relationship to make it right, and then somehow or rather the other partner feels that you are just not the right person for him.

Isn’t that going to cause great pains that you may have to carry for years?

I have friends that got very disillusioned, upset, angry and their whole personality changed with just a bad breakup.

So if you are at the wrong end of a breakup, it will hurt.

2. If we are the ones initiating a breakup, we feel guilty, no matter how legitimate our reasons are.

And if you do that too often, the next partner, be it your boyfriend or girlfriend, is going to question on your commitment and devotion to love relationships.

You will still have a hard time with yourself and with people you love.

3. Mutual breakups are rare and hard to achieve.

Let’s just face it, having the ‘trial-and-error’ approach and hoping for a mutual breakup is just building castles in the air.

Everyone is going to put their best foot forward when they are interested in you, so you will find them interesting, charismatic, playful, attractive, responsible, and almost every other positive trait you can find to label this person.

However, after knowing this person for a little while, you find that you can’t live with some of the traits your partner is revealing himself or herself to you; be it vulnerabilities and such.

And somehow if he or she is still madly in love with you, no matter how legitimate your reasons are, you are still not going to have a mutual breakup with each other.

Worst of all, he or she may make great efforts to get you back into the relationship once again, because they are hurt and they think that they stand a chance if they try really hard enough.

And you will have trouble finding a solution to deal with their stubborn deposition.

Girls’ favorite phrase,”When I see it, I’ll know it…”

This is how many girls decide for themselves who is their ideal partner in life, a replica of the ‘trial-and-error’ approach.

I was rejected by girls before, and I was trying to justify what makes them so sure of the guy whom they like is their ideal type of partner.

They often say, “When I see it, I’ll know it…”, when girls describe how they look for an ideal partner.

Sad to say, the same girls who said that to me before, ended in a bad breakup, and sometimes this cycle continues.

They were usually fascinated by the guy’s dressing, charisma, personality, and every positive trait that they could find.

However with these many positive trait, somehow the relationship turn sour, and the same girls end up with a bad experience and a breakup.

Somehow, most girls don’t see it afterall, isn’t it?

What I really believe…

I have no solution to effectively erase every mistake that we will make, but I believe that we can significantly reduce our mistakes if we learn to guide our feelings and emotions well.

And hopefully it can make your love relationship even more enduring if you are already in a relationship, or if you are looking for a partner, it will help you make less mistakes.

This post is not for everybody, because not everyone is going to be able to follow through what I am sharing here.

However, to those who are really into making less mistakes and have a more fruitful time dating, this post is really for you.

So, what is the ideal love relationship do most people want?

I am going to use myself as an example, to show you how you can realize for yourself what is the ideal love relationship that you really want.

And as a matter of fact, many people should have similar ideals, simply because our crave for love and satisfaction is somewhat similar for most humans.

Supposed there are no boundaries nor limitations, what is the kind of ideal love relationship do I want? Take note that I am 100% straight.

1. I want someone who depends and needs me, while I can depend on her when we face situations together.

2. I want someone who can accept and love me unconditionally, even in my weaknesses as well. I want someone who I can be vulnerable to, and that partner to be vulnerable to me too.

3. I do need advices and insights from my partner, that can also speak into my life, while I can speak into her life too.

4. When we argue and quarrel, we both know that our love is more important than our pride.

5. We take responsibilty together as a couple in situations rather than as individuals.

6. I want a partner that supports me in my vision of life, and I too want to support her in her vision of life too.

7. I desire my partner to participate in making this love relationship interesting, and not leave me to handle it all alone, while I also attempt to make our love as fun and satisfying as possible.

8. I prefer to clean up the dishes while she cooks.

9. My partner does not need to be ultimately good looking; just somebody who can excite my hormones and that she has an apetite for me too. I too shall attempt to make myself appealing and attractive. (It should work both ways, isn’t it?)

10. I want to have a great sex life with my wife. (This isn’t a blog for kindergarten kids, so I am just bring blatant here.)

11. Our work and passion in life should not conflict with our love, but rather compliment each other.

12. My partner’s family and friends are accepting of me in general, and my family and friends are also accepting of her in general too.

Well, although there are more, but I guess you get the picture.

As you can see, many people share similar ideals with me in a love relationship.

Do take time to find out within yourself what is the ideal kind of love relationship that you really want.

It will really help you to be even more perceptive to your partner tremendously to his or her real needs.

So how does knowing my ideal kind of love relationship help me?

Simple, just take for example the girl who is fascinated by some guy who is has a flair in guitar and can portray himself well in his speech.

Although your feelings and perception are attracted to the guy, and you may really think that having him will make your life and relationship really interesting, yet you have just made a mistake:

Just having a flair in guitar and great conversational skills do not make a love relationship last.

When problems and issues come crashing down on us, that is where these attractive traits that really attracted us are going to take a tremendous test.

And this is not only going to apply to people who are looking for a life partner. Those with existing relationships need to know what is their ideal kind of love relationship as well.

For an example, let’s say you and your boyfriend are arguing over certain matters, that he is not spending enough quality time with you and seems like he is a little cold into the relationship.

You complain to him, ask him to buck up, check his handphone to see if there is any third party coming in-between the both of you.

And you think by doing this, you can solve the problem of your boyfriend being a little cold towards you, and hence you are reaching towards your goal into a loving relationship.

Instead, he yells back at you, he thinks that you are too suspicious, and all the efforts you have made to make the love relationship better turns to dust.

And you become confused, thinking that with all the effort you have put into this relationship, you are getting back nonsense instead.

Then you ask yourself, “does my boyfriend still love me?”

What’s the problem? You effectively thought that by making efforts to erase the problems, it will help you to make the love relationship better.

However, you can’t just reach your ideal state of a love relationship by erasing problems!

You need to know more into the situation to help you progress instead; does your boyfriend need assurances of your love during this point of time? Are you giving him space and time to voice out his heart?

That will fit into the number 2 of my list of an ideal relationship: “I want someone who I can be vulnerable to, and that partner to be vulnerable to me too.”

If you are doing things that are jeopardizing his thoughts of you being an ideal partner, you are going to further strain the relationship instead of saving it.

Spend some time knowing what you really want in a love relationship…

And it will help you in your love relationship in the long run, as you will not be caught unaware with major differences between you and your partner.

Or it will certainly help you if you are looking for a partner, and not be having breakups so easily due to incompatibility.

Whatever the scenario you are in, do take some time to be aware of what you really want, and it will increase chances of your relationship to be even more enduring.

What are your opinions about this?

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UC Berkeley researchers analyzed conversations between 154 middle-aged and older couples about points of disagreement in their marriages and found that those who used pronouns such as “we,” “our” and “us” behaved more positively toward one another and showed less physiological stress.

In contrast, couples who emphasized their “separateness” by using pronouns such as “I,” “me” and “you” were found to be less satisfied in their marriages. This was especially true for older couples. Their use of separateness pronouns was most strongly linked to unhappy marriages, according to the study.

Moreover, the study found that older couples identified more as “we” than did their middle-aged counterparts, suggesting that facing obstacles and overcoming challenges together over the long haul, including raising families, may give couples a greater sense of shared identity.

“Individuality is a deeply ingrained value in American society, but, at least in the realm of marriage, being part of a ‘we’ is well worth giving up a bit of ‘me,’” said UC Berkeley psychology professor Robert Levenson, a co-author of the study published last semester in the journal Psychology and Aging.

Previous studies have established that the use of “we-ness” or “separateness” language is a strong indicator of marital satisfaction in younger couples. These latest findings, however, take this several steps further by showing how powerful this correlation is in more established couples, linking it to the emotions and physiological responses that occur when spouses either team up or become polarized in the face of disagreements, researchers said.

“The use of ‘we’ language is a natural outgrowth of a sense of partnership, of being on the same team, and confidence in being able to face problems together,” said study co-author Benjamin Seider, a graduate student in psychology at UC Berkeley.

In addition to Seider and Levenson, co-authors of the study are Gilad Hirschberger and Kristin Nelson, who conducted their research while at UC Berkeley’s Institute of Personality and Social Research.”

The above article and image is taken at 15 Feb 2010, from: http://www.sciencedaily.com­/releases/2010/01/100128142143.htm

My thoughts and comments…

I agree thoroughly with this article and research.

When we begin to say ‘we’ in a love relationship, we are putting our individualities aside, and approach situations as a couple.

This help to re-establish each other in love and faith in our relationships.

If you are already in a relationship, how about starting to face situations as “we” instead of “me”?

Start by describing your partner and you with “we” first, and gradually you will find that your words will carry impact your love relationship.

What do you think?

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